


Proof by Contradiction

by Red_I_Am



Category: Angel: the Series, Firefly
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 02:22:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21008135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_I_Am/pseuds/Red_I_Am
Summary: Fred accidentally breaks math.  Good thing River's there to help her integrate.





	Proof by Contradiction

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. It contains characters from Angel and Firefly, both of which are produced by Mutant Enemy. These characters are used without the permission of their owners.  
Warning: This fanfic contains femslash and explicit sexual content. It is rated FR18.  
Continuity: Angel Season 2, soon after Fred returns from Pylea. Firefly after the Serenity movie.

***

A high-pitched scream rang across the Hyperion. Cordelia had been dozing in her desk chair, and her eyes snapped open as she shot upright. Her knee whacked hard against the desk. She hissed, then yelped as her chair tipped backwards and threw her to the floor. Cordelia took a deep calming breath, then glared up at the ceiling. Under normal circumstances, screams in the Hyperion signified demon invasions, portals to hell or celebrity sightings. But Cordelia would bet that none of those things were happening. Their newest arrival was the only other person in the Hyperion. Fred probably just saw a mouse. Cordelia paused as the implications of that thought hit her—Gunn wasn’t due back this evening. She’d have to deal with the mouse on her own.

Cordelia limped into the lobby and settled onto the center couch to wait. For being scared of mice, Fred sure knew how to move like one. Cordelia was pretty sure she was running down the hallway above her towards the stairs to the lobby, but there was no rhythmic thumping to accompany her movements. Her suspicions proved true a moment later when Fred came running down the stairs at a full sprint. She moved with an eerie silence that might have rivaled Angel.

Cordelia wouldn't have guessed that she’d be seeing Fred today, or anytime this week. Yesterday Cordelia had gotten fed up with Fred after days of pleading, failed bribes and horrible stenches. She had forced her way into Fred’s room and dragged her into the shower where she scrubbed off years of built-up Pylea stink. Fred had reacted like Cordelia was murdering her family. She’d sat under the hot stream of water in a fetal position, mouthing silent words as Cordelia had used up a whole bar of soap and half-a-bottle of shampoo. She’d had to use Angel’s electric shaver to cut through the forest of hair on Fred’s legs. The girl was traumatized, but at least she looked better now. She was almost back to human.

Fred leapt down the last several steps and slid across the smooth floor to where Cordelia was sitting. A piece of paper fluttered in her hand. “Angel? Where’s Angel? I need to show Angel.” She spoke quickly, running her words together.

“Tibet,” Cordelia said. “He’s still in Tibet. Now tell me where you saw the mouse.”

Fred thrust the page of paper at Cordelia’s face. Cordelia took a step back and read the words scrawled in Fred’s surprisingly neat handwriting:

**Lemma 1:** π is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter.

**Lemma 1.1:** π is an irrational number not equal to five.

**Lemma 2:** A wubblewump is a creature that disguises itself as a tree stump, then bites anyone who sits on it in the butt.

**Lemma 2.1:** wubblewumps do not exist.

**Hypothesis:** π is actually equal to five.

**Proof by Contradiction:** Assume π is not five and show a contradiction.

**Proof:** Let N be the number 5. By our contradiction assumption, we assume that π is not equal to N. If we reach a contradiction, then this assumption is not true. Let W represent a wubblewump. Let S represent the scar on my butt where a wubblewump bit me. By visual inspection S exists. Since S implies W, W exists. This contradicts Lemma 2.1. This is a contradiction, therefore π equals N. By the transitive property of integers, π now equals 5.

Scrawled beneath the text was a drawing with circles, straight lines and angle markings that looked like something from high-school geometry. Underneath that the words **π = 5** were circled and underlined.

“I broke math!” Fred screamed. “Everything is contradicting now! Pi’s not supposed to be 5! It’s supposed to be irrational, and now everything is irrational. There’s proofs. Lambert proved it! But then I looked at my butt this morning, and the dirt was gone but there was a scar. And that scar can’t exist because that place never existed. I don’t mean to ignore the other people who proved Pi is irrational. Just because I didn’t say their names doesn’t mean I’m not going to cite their work. They did a lot of math, but now I’ve broken it all. I keep trying and trying, but I can’t put math back together again. The universe is crumbling around us!”

Cordelia took a step back from the crazy lady and moved her hands in a hopefully calming motion. “I’m sure math isn’t completely broken. Maybe we can use a little crazy glue to put it back together. In fact, I think I have some crazy glue in that little pill bottle on my desk. Why don’t I get that? You can take a crazy glue, or maybe three or four, and after a little nap everything will be better again.”

Cordelia backed towards her desk as Fred continued ranting.

“Glue isn’t going to work. Nothing will ever work anymore ever. Hypothesis: a glue exists that can fix math. Except a wubblewump bit my butt and now we have a contradiction and there is no glue that can fix math. Once one thing is a contradiction then everything becomes a contradiction. True things become false. False becomes true! I could prove anything I want! It spreads and reality is undefined!”

Fred was mostly talking to the empty lobby as Cordelia dug through her desk. Her Tramadol should have been in the back of her upper-left drawer. It was the perfect drug for numbing a headache and spending six hours finding meaning in the motion of a ceiling fan. Except she couldn’t find it anywhere. It had been there a couple hours ago.

“Why did I do this,” Fred sobbed to the empty lobby. “I knew I shouldn’t have looked at my butt. My grandmother always told me: ‘Winifred, you keep your fingers away from those parts.’ I’m sorry grandma! I should have listened to you!”

Cordelia started looking through other parts of the office. The weapons cabinet was on the other side of the lobby. And even though Fred was ninety pounds soaking wet, she had that certain kind of crazy that meant Cordelia would feel better with a small mace.

“And this is how portals happen! Except there’s no such thing as portals. But there’s a contradiction because a wubblewump bit my butt. Now there’s going to be more portals! Why did I say that?!”

There was a swooshing sound like a loud wind, followed by a sharp crack like wood snapping. Then everything was quiet. Cordelia grabbed a letter opener and slowly crept into the lobby. It was empty. There was no one there. “Fred?”

***

Fred fell out of the portal and hit the ground running. There were strange people all around her and she had to shove her way through the crowd. This time she didn’t scream. Fred had long ago learned how to be frightened without screaming. Some people who saw her come out of the portal pointed and stared, but she left them behind as she ran. She bumped up against a big man with a beard. He smiled, and his teeth were big and yellow. He reached towards her and Fred ran in the opposite direction.

There was a big circular sheet of rusted corrugated steel that sat a couple feet above the ground. Fred ran to it and rolled underneath it. She froze. It was dark and hot. The crowd was still noisy outside, but everything was muffled in here. It was cramped, like her first cave in Pylea, and Fred had to stay laying down. Her head darted to and fro, looking everywhere to make sure she hadn’t been followed.

When she was sure that she was alone, Fred closed her eyes and willed herself back. The Hyperion had become her new home. There had been people there who left her food, and there were no monsters (not counting the times there were monsters). This wasn’t happening. She wasn’t someone who fell through portals into other dimensions—that was another girl, someone who didn’t exist anymore. Maybe this was a contradiction and she wasn't really here. She’d said there were no portals that sucked girls into other dimensions, but there was a contradiction, therefore there were portals. Maybe she just needed to contradict another portal home. “A wubblewump bit my butt, and that proves that a portal will appear to take me back to the Hyperion.”

Fred held her breath and waited. Nothing happened. She counted to ten. Nothing continued to happen. Last time Angel had to save her from the bad place. Maybe she needed another handsome and brave knight to come and rescue her. “A wubblewump bit my butt, and that proves that a brave and handsome knight will come save Fred.” She closed her eyes again. This time she counted out the exponents to mersenne primes, which was better than counting to ten. “2, 3, 5, 7, 13, 17…”

“19, 31, and always 61, but never 67.” A soft voice finished for her.

A young lady’s upside-down head was staring at Fred. Her body was lying on the metal sheet above, and her head was hanging down to peek into Fred’s hiding place. Her long brown hair pooled in the dirt.

Fred stared back, her mind racing. Maybe if she didn’t move the other girl wouldn’t be able to see her. Fred would have zero movement, and you couldn’t see zero of something. Then the other girl wouldn’t have a reason to stare at her with those big brown eyes. Because when people looked at you they put collars on your neck and turned you into a cow. Fred closed her eyes, held them shut, then opened them again. The girl was still there.

Something behind her made a grinding noise, and the metal disk above Fred started to spin. The girl rotated away from Fred, her hair dragging in the dirt. “Okay, bye now,” she said.

Fred watched her go for a moment. She suddenly didn't want to be alone. “Wait!” The machine was rotating on an axis, and Fred was close to the center so she had less distance to crawl to keep even with the girl on the rim. “What if it’s never 61 and always 67?"

The girl looked quizzically at Fred then shook her head. “2 to the 67 minus 1 equals 193,707,721 times 761,838,527,287. Not prime. Never 67. But nothing times nothing equals 2 to the 61 minus 1. It’s prime. Always 61.”

Fred waved the piece of paper in her hand towards the pretty girl. “But I broke math. Everything is undefined.”

The girl slid off her ledge and into Fred's hiding place. Her bare feet pushed her across the ground until she was lying next to Fred. She was closer than Fred would like. Fred held the paper between them like a shield. The girl’s eyes moved as they scanned the page. Then she read it again. She gently pulled it from Fred’s hands and read it slower a third time, her lips sounding out the words.

“This is a contradiction. You can’t do this. It’s the law.”

“I didn’t mean to. It was an accident,” Fred whispered.

The girl’s already large eyes went wider and she handed the paper back to Fred with a shaky hand. “Can I see?”

Fred pulled down her pants. She twisted at an awkward angle to show the scar on her butt. The girl stared. “A wubblewump bit my butt, and now math doesn’t work anymore. Everything is backwards. So now 2 to the 67 minus 1 is prime, and 2 to the 61 minus 1 is not prime.”

The girl’s finger brushed up against the scar on Fred’s butt as if to make sure it was real.

“I was in the Hyperion and then I said there was no such thing as portals that sucked girls into other dimensions. But everything’s a contradiction, so a portal ate me. And portals take you away to places with demons and where people are cows and cows are people. My name is Fred. I’m going to put my pants back on.”

“I’m River, and this is worrisome. I’m going to stay in here too.” She tucked her legs up against her chest, moving easily in the confined space.

They lay next to each other, close enough that Fred could feel River’s breath. The girl was young, with big eyes that blinked 20% less frequently than her own and a tiny mouth that probably never said silly things that made people stare. She had long wavy brown hair, which grew from a nicely-shaped head that probably wasn’t schizophrenic. She was wearing a green cotton sundress with white flowers. They lay there in silence for several minutes as the machine spun above them, neither girl speaking. It was hot, and Fred had to wipe the sweat from her brow. “If we wait long enough a brave and handsome knight will come rescue us from the demons,” Fred eventually whispered. “Though sometimes you have to wait a really long time.”

“I waited two years,” River said. “The demons wore white. They had eyeglasses and they scooped out my brain and replaced it with ice cream. Now I must steal Kaylee’s sweets to survive.”

“Did a handsome knight save you too?” Fred asked.

“He was the handsomest and very bravest. He gave up everything to save me.”

“An Angel saved me. But he’s in Tibet, which is far away even if you’re not in another dimension. I’m going to need a very brave knight this time. With extra handsome. I need to make a new portal that can take me home.”

“If the portal that brought you here was a contradiction, then maybe it’s also a contradiction of a contradiction, and then there’s no portal and you didn’t come here.”

“I thought of that,” Fred said. “But it’s also a contradiction of a contradiction of a contradiction.”

“Maybe there’s too many contradictions,” River said. “But what if we put the contradictions into a finite field? When we get enough contradictions they’ll wrap-around and we’ll restart at 0 and math will work again. Like counting on a clock. Go past 12 and it wraps around to 1. Big numbers become small again.”

“That’s brilliant!” Fred said. “We can use a modulo reduction to get back to zero. But we'd have to find a lot of contradictions first. And I’m still stuck in this demon dimension.”

“This isn’t a demon dimension anymore,” River said. “They got turned upside-down when Captain Mal showed them the TV. Though there’s still reavers and crime lords.”

“Reavers sound bad. Are they bad?”

River shook her head. “Not too bad. They cry when you punch them. I could show you.”

Fred glanced around the narrow space, then looked out at the multitudes of feet that passed by in the sunlight. “No. I’m good here.”

“There’s also handsome knights,” River said. “The good guys are all very pretty.”

Fred chewed on her lower lip as she thought. It was uncomfortable under here. There wasn’t water or places to grow tacos. She’d have to leave eventually, and River was making things sound a little less scary. “Only if you come with me.”

River smiled at her, grabbed her hand and guided them out from under the spinning machine.

The crowd was still all around them. Their boots kicked up dry dirt that choked the air. A dog ran past, weaving through the crowd with its tongue hanging out. It smelled like grease and smoke and people and alcohol. A hairy man with no shirt and a painted face looked at her and Fred hid behind River. “What is this?”

“It’s Summer’s Day,” River said. “The fair is here.”

The metal sheet she’d hidden under was a kid’s ride. Children sat in plastic animals that had chairs in their bellies, and they laughed as they spun around the disk. Boys stood at a booth across from them aiming toy rifles at holograms that lit up when shot. A man stood on a box next to a tent and shouted at people to come inside. A couple of old Asian men with leathery skin watched the crowd from a bench as they sipped from tea cups.

River’s hand slipped into Fred’s and tried to pull her forward, but Fred kept her feet planted on the ground.

“There’s too many people. I think I’m going back under the ride. There’s probably lots of contradictions under there. I didn’t look too hard, maybe there’s also a handsome knight too.” Fred tried to step back, but River didn’t let go of her hand.

River giggled. “None of them are real. They can’t touch us. We are unstoppable.”

The idea of going into the crowd made Fred’s stomach twist. Packed crowds could be modeled with fluid dynamics equations. Which meant there would be pressures and velocities and strange people touching her. The math said so. Except math was broken. She imagined that all the people were numbers, pushing together to add and multiply. She took derivatives and calculated velocity fields. “Theorem,” Fred said. “According to the Naiver-Stokes equations, the pressure in this crowd is high. But a wubblewump bit my butt, and we have a contradiction. Therefore, the pressure is low and no one will touch me… except River.”

River smiled and tugged on Fred’s hand. Fred held her breath and followed. The pressure dropped and the crowd parted as they stepped into it. No one seemed to be making a conscious decision to get out of her way, but as they took each step the people around them always seemed to find somewhere else they needed to be. A bubble of empty space followed them as they moved through the crowd.

River twirled around as they walked, but they were still holding hands so Fred had to lift her arm so River could spin under it. She was laughing as the contradiction forced people to move out of their way, but Fred kept her jaw clenched. The contradiction was helping, but she was still a long ways from home and these people looked very strange. Though at least no one was calling her a cow and putting a slave collar around her neck.

At the end of the street two men in blue robes were fighting with wooden swords. A cheering crowd formed a circle around them. Fred and River walked straight to the front without brushing up against any shoulders. The men were spending more time making big leaps with flips and somersaults than hitting each other with swords. One of them jumped completely over the other’s head and spun through the air. The crowd cheered. His opponent tore off his own shirt, revealing a tanned muscular chest, and the crowd cheered even louder.

“Maybe they could be your handsome knights,” River whispered.

Fred casually nodded. They certainly were brave and very handsome. The one without a shirt had big arms. She bet if they used real swords instead of wooden ones they could slay a drokken beast. Or maybe they could climb a mountain and retrieve a rhek’var egg. Except there didn’t seem to be any mountains around here. And there probably weren’t drokkens either, given the lack of disemboweled bodies. Plus the thought of talking to handsome men made Fred’s stomach twist. “Let’s keep looking.”

River squeezed her hand and guided her around the people and onto a sidewalk made from creaky wooden planks. River stepped carefully across it so her feet never touched any of the cracks between the boards, though her stride stayed at a constant width. She must have a stride length that was an integer multiple of the board length. Fred walked next to her and matched her stride, just in case that was important in this dimension.

“Those men were fighting, but they weren’t trying to hurt each other,” Fred said. “Is that a contradiction?”

“One contradiction divided by many,” River said as she pulled them onwards.

Fred looked at the people as they walked. They were all different shapes, sizes and colors. Some of them were dressed like cowboys, with long coats and hats. One man had a pipe that blew sweet smelling smoke. A lone woman sat against a wall, her head cradled in her hands as she stared at the ground. Lots of people carried cups that smelled of alcohol. A little boy chased a laughing girl across the street, and the crowd had to pause to let them run through. River led her past all of them. None of them had green or other-worldly pink skin. No one had horns. No one wore a slave collar. Most people didn’t even pay attention to her, which she liked. Then a skinny, dark-skinned, young man in tight clothes saw Fred staring and smiled back at her. Fred looked away.

“There’s a lot of people here,” Fred said. “I didn’t know there were this many people.”

“You don’t have people back home?”

“We have five. Well… we have three people, plus one vampire and one singing demon. I think there may be more outside, but I don’t go there.”

“Fresh mi jiang with raisins!” A man in a straw hat called out. He was sitting on the edge of the road next to a pot.

“I want sweets,” River said as she pulled Fred towards him.

The man dipped a paper cup into the pot as they approached. “Two plats or ten tacks.”

River frowned. It was obvious her simple sundress didn’t have pockets where she could be hiding money.

Fred squeezed River’s hand reassuringly. “We have zero plats. But there’s a contradiction right now so zero equals two. Therefore we have two plats.” Fred opened her hand and there were two small dirty coins resting in her previously empty palm. The man looked at her weird, but he traded the cup for the coins. Fred smiled. She had just interacted with someone, and they hadn't tried to cut off her head. She was getting better at this social interaction thing.

River grabbed at the cup like an over-excited kid and took a long sip. There was a white mustache across her lip when she handed it back. Fred giggled and took a smaller sip. It tasted like rice and milk. It was so sweet that Fred made a funny face that caused River to laugh. River took it back and drank as they walked hand-in-hand.

“We still need to find more contradictions and a champion to rescue me,” Fred said. “And also we should see if there’s tacos.”

“What’s a taco?”

“It’s different things. Sometimes it’s larva wrapped in leaves. Sometimes it’s a corn tortilla with meat and spices.”

“I don’t think there’s enough larva in my diet. Maybe we could see more contradictions from up there.” River pointed at a big machine down the street. It was as tall as a tree and shaped like an umbrella. Cages with chairs hung from the top on long chains. The whole thing spun and used centrifugal forces to lift the people in the cages off the ground and make them scream.

“That could work,” Fred agreed.

They ran to the ride. There was a line, but Fred contradicted the end of the line to be the front, and she made eight plats equal to zero so they could get on. The cage had a bench big enough for one big person or two small people. They squeezed in together and strapped themselves down. Fred was pressed up tight against River, but the other girl had soft skin and smelled nice so it wasn’t bad. River smiled when she caught her staring and Fred blushed.

The ride started to spin and the cages stretched outwards. The people in the cages next to them were screaming, but Fred and River stayed calm. Physics didn't scare people like them. As they started moving faster Fred could feel the building forces start pushing her down into the seat. She couldn’t stop thinking about how River had caught her staring. She felt foolish.

“I shouldn’t have drank the whole thing,” River said.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m obese. I weigh 231 pounds right now.”

Fred laughed at her. “You’re not fat. You’re very pretty.”

River grinned. “You think I’m pretty?”

Oops. Fred shouldn’t have said that. Silly Fred, always saying silly things. And it was just after she'd been caught staring. River probably thought bad things about her now. She deliberately looked away and out the cage. “Do you see any contradictions out there? Or maybe champions? Then I could go home.”

River leaned over Fred to look out the bottom of the cage. “People wait in lines to spend money on things with no practical or economic value.”

“That’s a good one. And there’s a lot of people and food here, but all I see is dry desert. They don’t have a place to come from, and yet they’re here. That’s a contradiction.”

“I think they come from space,” River said. “I live in space.”

“How do you breathe there?”

“You can’t. You have to hold your breath all the time. And if you open your eyes they pop out of your head.”

“I think that’s another contradiction,” Fred said.

“That’s three! We’re good at this.”

Fred absentmindedly patted River on the knee. “We should find champions.”

“I have friends. They’re big heroes. One time Captain Mal punched a man with a beard. And another time Zoe jumped over a big hole. And Kaylee can make funny noises with her armpit.”

"How are we going to find them? There must be over 7,000 people out there.”

“Only 6,814. Can I do the contradiction this time?”

Fred’s hand was still resting on River’s knee and she gave it a squeeze. “Go ahead."

“I have five friends,” River said. “There’s a 0.00073 in 1 chance of finding them. But a wubblewump bit Fred’s butt and everything is reversed. So there’s a 0.99927 in 1 chance of finding them. Therefore we’re with them right now.”

The contradiction instantly teleported them off the ride. They reappeared in another part of the fair, behind a table with four people who were laughing over beer and food. No one noticed the two of them standing there.

“Hello, Captain.” River said.

Everyone jumped. The tall man with the goatee nearly knocked over the table and the black lady had to catch it.

“Daodan woman,” the Captain cursed. “You can’t just go disappearing and reappearing like that. Your brother’s been hunting all over this moon for your little hide.”

“This is Mal, Jayne, Zoe and Kaylee. Everyone…” River paused and looked to Fred, as if asking if it was okay to say her name. Fred smiled at her and River continued. “Everyone, this is Fred. She's the smartest person I know.”

“Why they holding hands like that?” Jayne asked.

“Guay. This is not happening,” Mal said as he sat back down. He put his head in his hands. “Where’s that brother of yours? Simon!”

“I think it’s sweet,” Kaylee said. “River has a new special friend. How’d you two meet?”

“She showed me her butt," River beamed.

Fred giggled nervously. She didn’t like them talking about her. Zoe was staring at her with a hostile expression, Mal looked frustrated, Kalyee had a silly grin on her face and Jayne was leering. She felt like she should say something, but she didn’t know what. “Hi, I’m Fred. Except River already told you that. So I should tell you about me. Is that okay? I live in California. I used to live in Pylea, but that place wasn’t real so I didn’t really live there. They tried to make me a cow, but I lived in a cave. I like tacos. There’s a larger-than-normal gap between two of my toes. I accidentally broke math, but we’re trying to fix it now.”

“Oh my gosh,” Kaylee clasped her hands together as her eyes went wide. “They’re perfect for each other.”

“River,” Mal said. “We’re not judging you. No one here would do that. But has your brother ever had a certain talk with you?”

“About what?” River asked.

“About what.” Mal repeated the phrase more to himself, then took a deep breath. “A talk about the topic that Zoe is going to talk to you about.”

“Don’t see that I’d have much to say, Sir.” Zoe said.

Mal glared at Zoe, then turned back to them. “It’s like this, River. Sometimes people feel certain things for certain people, and they want to do certain things with those people. And those certain things are perfectly natural things.”

“Not the way I do it,” Jayne said.

Mal ignored him. “But you have to remember to be safe and don’t do anything that have what we call long-term consequences. We don’t need anybody getting pregnant.”

“Don’t think that’s an issue here, Sir.” Zoe said.

“Right. I do know how that works. But I’m trying to tell her how to be safe. There’s still things they’d need to be safe about, right?”

“I seen vids ‘bout this,” Jayne said. “What you need is certain tools…”

“I was asking everyone but you,” Mal interrupted Jayne before he could finish.

“Always pee when you’re done,” Kaylee piped up. “I learned that the hard way.”

“Right,” Mal thumped his fist against the table. “That’s what I’m telling you. You’re an adult now, so have fun and be sure to pee.”

“I don’t think these are the champions I’m looking for,” Fred whispered in River’s ear.

“Sorry. They’re troubled people. I’m trying to help them get better. But they do have more contradictions. Mal’s name means bad, but he’s good. And Jayne likes having friends, even though he pretends otherwise. And everyone thinks Kaylee is a good girl, but she wants Simon to spank her like she’s a bad girl. And Zoe acts like she’s hard as stone and says she’s healing, but she’s completely broken on the inside and doesn’t know if it’ll ever get better.”

The table went quiet and everyone uncomfortably looked between River and Zoe, who was glaring daggers at River. She started to rise from her seat.

“Let’s go find more contradictions.” River grabbed Fred’s hand and pulled her away from the table.

Fred turned back and waved. “It was nice to meet you all. And things do get better. It just takes a long time.”

River and Fred ran from the food tent and back into the crowd. There was a pen across the dusty street where pigs with numbers painted on them raced around a track. People stood around the track and waved pieces of paper as they cheered the pigs on. The two of them ran through the crowd to the front of the track, and River climbed onto the lower rung of the fence to get a better view.

“Is this a contradiction?” River asked.

Fred shook her head. “No. They do this in Texas. They don’t let any contradictions into Texas. I don’t like it. Pigs are like cows. They should be free.”

“We could set them free,” River said. “It’s just vectors and velocities and emancipation.”

Fred nodded. “A wubblewump bit my butt, and now pigs get to be free.”

A fence post on the other side of the ring fell over, and the pigs turned towards it en masse. The people had just enough time to get out of the way before the herd of pigs charged past them and down the street. Men screamed, women fled, children cried and River laughed. “Let’s keep looking!”

They ran down the street in the opposite direction from the pigs. The fluid dynamics contradiction was still in effect, and the crowd parted for them the same way it had parted for the pigs. The idea of it made Fred laugh, and she shouted “oink, oink!” at the people in front of her.

River got the joke and joined in. The two of them ran down the street, fingers entwined and oinking the whole way. Most people were getting out of the way without the contradiction. Fred had to stop when she ran out of breath. She bent over as she tried to breathe, and River lightly stroked her fingers across Fred’s back. The sensation felt nice and the hairs on Fred’s arms stood up.

“There’s a boat ride,” River pointed. “Maybe it’ll take us to the other side of the universe.”

Sitting on a boat sounded better than running, so Fred nodded and let River lead her across the street. They paid a man with an amount of coins that equaled zero. He looked the two of them up and down, then grinned with stained teeth. Fred didn’t like the way he winked at her. Their boat was shaped like a swan and the back of the seat was a big heart. Both the seat and boat floor were lined with worn out red cushions. The man gave their boat a gentle shove, and they floated off into a dark tunnel.

The two of them sat in silence. The water was moving very slowly through an elevated canal. Based on the outside Fred guessed the waterway probably switch-backed through the building. After a quick calculation Fred figured they would be floating in here for maybe twenty minutes, yet they’d cover very little ground. It was very inefficient.

There was another boat thirty feet in front of them. They couldn’t see the people over the boat’s high back, nor could they hear them over the light music, but it was rocking back and forth in an odd way. Whoever built this ride really liked reds and purples. The dim light came from christmas lights strung across the ceiling, and there were hearts painted along the plywood siding. Styrofoam cupids hung from the ceiling on strings. At one point they passed under an archway. Based on the pump hidden to the side, Fred guessed it was supposed to be a waterfall, but it was broken.

Fred put her hand on River’s knee, and the other girl looped her arm around Fred’s elbow. They stayed like that for a minute, then River leaned over and rested her head on Fred’s shoulder. For the first time since she’d arrived in this dimension Fred began to relax. The narrow walls of the tunnel made her feel cozy, and River made her feel safe. Fred leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

“There’s a picture of dancing bears with hats,” River said. “I think that’s a contradiction.”

Fred stayed silent for a minute. “I don’t think we’re going to find enough contradictions to send me home.”

“You could stay with me. We’ll sail the verse together. Traveling from planet to planet and solving mysteries.”

“Oh no,” Fred shook her head. “You don’t want to stay with me. Sometimes I say silly things that don’t make sense. I get confused. I sometimes forget what’s real. People shouldn’t like me.”

“I like you. You’re the only person who makes sense. The others are confusing. They say things they know aren’t true. And they get mad when you say things that are true. They think circles are lines just because lines are easier. And no one else ever factors their polynomials. Except for you.”

Fred nodded. “I don’t like unfactored polynomials. They bug me.”

“Me too,” River said.

The idea of someone else caring about polynomials made Fred smile, and she draped her arm across River’s shoulders. Fred wasn’t entirely sure what happened after that. There was a set of elements that included them looking at each other, a hand on a waist, two people leaning towards each other and a rush of heat through her body. She wasn’t sure what operation was used to order the set, but she knew that when summed it equaled to River’s lips being pressed against her own. For the first time in her life Fred’s mind went silent.

Then the boat rocked and Fred’s weight fell towards River. Their teeth banged against each other and made a horrible grating sound in her head. Fred and River burst away from each other to opposite sides of the boat. Fred’s mind came off pause and went straight to fast-forward. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why I did it. Sometimes I do silly things that I shouldn’t do. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry and don’t hate me and please don’t leave me alone here.”

River had also been babbling at the same time, though Fred hadn’t heard much beyond a few words that sounded similar to the words she’d been speaking. They sat in silence for a few minutes, both of their heads bowed low as they tried not to look at each other.

“I’m sorry,” River eventually said.

“I’m sorry too.”

“Do you want to do it again?” River asked.

“Okay,” Fred nodded.

This time River moved more carefully. Fred’s heart pounded in her chest as River straddled her. River’s knees were on either side of her, and their legs would be touching if not for the thin fabric of a cotton dress. Fred wanted to feel that direct skin-to-skin contact. She wanted someone pressed up against her with a promise that she’d always be warm and safe.

River’s lips once again pressed against her own. Fred wasn’t sure if she should keep her mouth closed, open it a little or maybe move her tongue around. How were people supposed to do this? While her mind was weighing the options her lips charted their own path. They caressed against River’s lips, tasting and teasing the other girl. River’s hand curled through her hair and lightly held the back of Fred’s head. Fred still needed that feeling of skin-on-skin, and her hand slipped under River’s dress and hitched it up. Her own dress was already pooled up on the seat. Fred moved her legs just so she could feel River’s thigh brush against her own, and she gasped through the kiss. River’s own hand traced along Fred’s jaw, then fell down to cup her breast as the kiss deepened. Her whole body tingled.

No one had ever touched her like this before. Maybe there had been another girl named Winifred Burkle who used to live in Texas. And maybe that girl had done certain things with a couple of boys, but that was a girl who didn’t exist anymore. Fred was a different person. One who didn’t completely understand what was happening, but knew she wanted it.

She slipped the top of River’s dress off her shoulders and let it fall around her waist. Then she lifted her arms up so River could pull off her shirt. River pulled Fred back into a kiss as soon as her shirt was clear. They pressed up against each other for more of skin-to-skin contact. Then Fred’s hands moved along River’s stomach and over her small breasts. River’s nipples hardened and Fred dropped her hands and broke away from their kiss. “Sorry. Is that okay?”

River nodded vigorously and pulled Fred’s hands back to her breasts. She leaned into Fred and hungrily kissed her again. Fred returned the kiss while she continued to play with River’s breasts. She loved the feeling of them gently moving under her fingers. The other girl started grinding up and down against Fred’s leg, while her fingers went up Fred’s dress and into her underwear. River touched her pubic hair. The sensation surprised her and Fred jumped.

River pulled back, but didn’t completely let go. Fred stared at her. River had a beautiful dancer’s body, with a perfectly tight little stomach and long bare legs that curled around her. Her dress was cinched tight around her waist. Beads of sweat dotted River’s forehead. She was grinning at Fred, her eyes narrowed mischievously.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Fred whispered.

“It’s the greatest idea ever.”

“It’s both,” Fred said. “It’s the biggest contradiction of all. And I’m pretty sure it’s big enough that I could go home now. But if we do this then I’m not going to want to go home. I’m going to want to spend forever sailing around the verse with you and solving mysteries. And I don’t think that’s a good idea, even if I don’t know why.”

“It’s the greatest idea ever,” River repeated.

“It is,” Fred agreed. “But I’m also sure it’s not the right idea. Maybe you could just hold me for a little bit. We’re getting to the end of the tunnel.”

River pouted for a moment, then climbed down from on top of Fred. She tucked her knees under herself and leaned up against Fred.

“And maybe you should put your dress back on,” Fred said to her. “That’s very distracting.”

“I’ve made my decision,” River whispered. The two of them wrapped their arms around each other and sailed through the light at the end of the tunnel.

***

“River! River!” Simon felt like throwing up. Cold beads of sweat dotted his forehead. He’d been searching for his sister for hours. She’d been with them for the morning, then he’d turned his back for just a moment and she’d vanished. This fair was just too gorram big. He might never find her. They should have made arrangements on where to meet if they got separated. River was certainly capable of defending herself, but there were still so many ways she could be hurt.

A voice in the back of his head pointed out his irregular breathing and accelerated heartbeat. He knew he was on the verge of having a stress-induced panic attack, but that knowledge did nothing to calm himself. He needed to find River before something happened to her.

He caught sight of a familiar sundress out of the corner of his eye and Simon spun around. It took a moment for his eyes to re-locate the sight, and he let out a relieved breath when he spotted River sitting alone in a swan boat coming out of the Tunnel of Love. Simon pushed his way through the crowd. He bumped a large man who started yelling at him, but Simon ignored him and kept moving. He caught up to River just as she was stepping off the boat. He pulled his sister into a giant hug and squeezed her tight. “There you are. I thought I’d lost you.”

“Silly, Simon. I was where I was the whole time.”

Simon took her by the shoulder and started leading her back to the group. “Don’t ever disappear like that again. I was worried sick. I didn’t know what happened to you.”

“I was with Fred,” River looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes. “Fred got caught in a bit of chaos magic. I helped. We looked for contradictions together and there were pigs and a lack of brave knights. Then we rode through the tunnel together and Fred had to go home.” River’s voice broke as she said the last words.

Simon’s heart leapt back into his throat. His little sister’s clothes were rumpled and twisted, and her hair was a mess. The panic attack was coming back, but this time he pushed it down. He guided her to a bench, sat her down and knelt in the dirt in front of her. “River, you know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t ever judge you and you’ll always be my little sister. But you need to tell me the truth now. Did this Fred touch you in any way? Did he make you do anything to him? Did he hurt you?”

River laughed at him and playfully hit his chest. Simon released the breath he’d been holding. That wasn’t the kind of laugh you heard from someone who had just had a traumatic experience.

“No, Silly. Fred would never hurt me. I’m sad that we couldn’t spend forever solving mysteries. Don’t worry so much. Besides, Fred’s a girl. And I didn’t even get past second base.”

River slipped away from him. Simon stared blankly at the spot where she’d been sitting.

“Excuse me. Captain says I’m to pee now.”


End file.
